To the office of the security company that guards my home:
I want to thank you for the men and women you have sent to keep me and my family safe, and for your non-stop support of my husband, and I, and our children. From that first day I have felt as light as air, basking in the professionalism around me, wonderfully ensconced in your protective shield, and still today stand in awe of your quick response when I have needed you.
Like that first day, when that wonderful guard scared me so much by stalking me around my home. I am sure I was just being silly old me. I mean what’s a stalker anyway? Okay, yes she was peaking in my windows and standing at my door, but hey, maybe she just really likes wood and glass. But dear wonderful sirs, you came so quickly and were so so kind about my suggestion that since she had a gun and perhaps because I was fearing her more than any outside intruder that maybe we could just get a new guard.
And a new guard you did bring! And she was lovely. Oh, so lovely. My 7 year old daughter especially liked her when she cornered her while sobbing because the night guard was late to relieve her one day and poured out her troubles until my daughter was sobbing and running to me. My 7 year old daughter! Oh, but sure, kids today need a little reality check, and it was probably just me being old worried mom again, but once again you rushed to my side and assured me you were working so hard to find us that perfect match.
And I thought we had. Mark was sweet. I liked Mark. He sat and guarded and kept to himself. But oh, you sneaky sirs, you came and got him didn’t you. What was that you said? He drinks? Oh, okay, looking out for me! I could feel the father-figure dripping out of you and was such a little girl in your palm of your hand as you whisked Mark away, and that is, of course, when the revolving door of guards really began.
But sirs, I don’t blame you for the theft that occurred in the wake of that. Silly old me again, leaving something on my deck, in my home, on my property. I mean really, what was I thinking? And I do know how busy you are, perhaps finding that nice Mark another job, so I don’t want to bother you with my little issues.
And I don’t blame you either for the two people who showed up who did not know how to open a gate. On the contrary, I was deeply touched to see that you have absolutely no requirements for your employees and that just about anyone who walks into your office can get a job and be handed a gun and sent to someone’s home.
I especially like the three you sent this last week, and really feel you’ve been saving the best for last. That one gentleman you sent who left to go have lunch was really a sweet one, but he has nothing on the lovely guy who disappeared and then climbed over the wall to get back in when we locked him out. Now that is talent!
And who can forget that wonder of all wonders who decided to bathe on the property and had to run half naked through our yard when he realized we were leaving and needed to open the gate. I must say, he can really run and I highly recommend him for any upcoming team building sports days you might have.
But, sirs. Dear dear sirs, nothing could have prepared me for what you brought us last night. And still this following night I cannot believe what a gift you are to the United Nations, who employ you to keep their staff safe. We have already spoken to the guard in question and have given him our deepest gratitude as well, because truly, what else could he have been doing but fertilizing our garden when he sat down and defecated in it.